figuring it all out
Friday, July 27, 2007 2:56 PM
Last night I had a brief yet very encouraging conversation with a friend I have known for a few years and someone who has always spoken truth and wisdom to me. This conversation sparked a lot of memories and made me realize things about my spiritual life. Or maybe... "lack of" things.
I explained this all to Matt in the car on the way home last night...
I would say that last year, the day of Rock for Sudan was my personal high point. Spiritually I was in sync with God. I attended church and YOUth Church regularly and was starting my turn to lead worship there. I had a really close group of believers who I relied on daily, a girls bible study who I spent a lot of time with, and I was daily seeking God's direction for my life. I felt amazing. I can't really describe it other than just feeling amazing.
The months to follow would lead me to, not my lowest, but lower points. As soon as I started dating Matt I was quickly back handed with disapproval from those "close believers" who I had relied on daily, and I was soon on the defense. I had frequent conversations with my two YOUth Pastors about our relationship and got negative comments from my friends. I felt "pushed out" of that group I had just a month earlier and the church I was attending. Soon I didnt want to see my YOUth Pastors anymore, nor did I want to spend time with my friends who couldnt accept my choices. Eventually I wasnt allowed to lead worship anymore and I wasnt going to church [although that had to do with my job.] I was completley seperated from the foundation of my fellowship and I was bitter. I was VERY bitter.
Not all of this had to do with my relationship with Matt, however. Early this year my YOUth Pastor and good friend for many years announced he had lost his job as our minister. This decision by the elders was a controversial one for some, but for me I had just had it with FBC.
Slowly all of the amazing feelings I had last September started to fade and I was out of touch with God. I realize that I shouldnt have built my foundation on others because I soon started to disconnect from those "others".
I am not blaming my YOUth Pastors or my friends for my spiritual dryness, I was the one who could not stand on my own when I felt pushed away from them.
My friend said some things that stood out very strongly to me last night. He said that lack of fellowship makes you very sensitive to sin, and when you dont have accountability or honest conversation with other believers your fire goes out.
I need to start looking for another church. It wont be FBC, because I just cant. It's not because of the worship, it's not because of the pastors or the elders, it's just the placed that I have been pushed out of emotionally and I can't go back.
I hope that I can really find a place where I can build new relationships to hold me accountable in my walk with God.
I explained this all to Matt in the car on the way home last night...
I would say that last year, the day of Rock for Sudan was my personal high point. Spiritually I was in sync with God. I attended church and YOUth Church regularly and was starting my turn to lead worship there. I had a really close group of believers who I relied on daily, a girls bible study who I spent a lot of time with, and I was daily seeking God's direction for my life. I felt amazing. I can't really describe it other than just feeling amazing.
The months to follow would lead me to, not my lowest, but lower points. As soon as I started dating Matt I was quickly back handed with disapproval from those "close believers" who I had relied on daily, and I was soon on the defense. I had frequent conversations with my two YOUth Pastors about our relationship and got negative comments from my friends. I felt "pushed out" of that group I had just a month earlier and the church I was attending. Soon I didnt want to see my YOUth Pastors anymore, nor did I want to spend time with my friends who couldnt accept my choices. Eventually I wasnt allowed to lead worship anymore and I wasnt going to church [although that had to do with my job.] I was completley seperated from the foundation of my fellowship and I was bitter. I was VERY bitter.
Not all of this had to do with my relationship with Matt, however. Early this year my YOUth Pastor and good friend for many years announced he had lost his job as our minister. This decision by the elders was a controversial one for some, but for me I had just had it with FBC.
Slowly all of the amazing feelings I had last September started to fade and I was out of touch with God. I realize that I shouldnt have built my foundation on others because I soon started to disconnect from those "others".
I am not blaming my YOUth Pastors or my friends for my spiritual dryness, I was the one who could not stand on my own when I felt pushed away from them.
My friend said some things that stood out very strongly to me last night. He said that lack of fellowship makes you very sensitive to sin, and when you dont have accountability or honest conversation with other believers your fire goes out.
I need to start looking for another church. It wont be FBC, because I just cant. It's not because of the worship, it's not because of the pastors or the elders, it's just the placed that I have been pushed out of emotionally and I can't go back.
I hope that I can really find a place where I can build new relationships to hold me accountable in my walk with God.