Everything:infravermelho

romance me on my front porch
with your guitar and punk voice
sing a song that starts with "we"
talk about the way I smell
the way you'll wait for me

not afraid to hold my hand
or tell me how you feel
ill dream about you tonight
while you're behind the wheel

we found beauty in "their mistake"
you're the risk that I'll take
feel this moment
I'll listen to your voice

never felt like this before.

i totally screwed up leading worship.

rewind to earlier in the day...

I got stuck at the school for two hours, making my long anticipated "half-day" a dissapointment. I went straight to Urraco and hung out there for a little while. Drank lots of caffiene, and mostly just stared at the wall. [I think Graydon thought I was a litttle crazy] Then I walked down to C3 and was overcome with a huge sense of tiredness. I have done a whole lot of singing the past 4 days and today my throat hurt bad, it feels like maybe im coming down with an ear infection or something. anyways, I wasnt exactly in the mood to sing or lead a band, and it basically just looked like I had a bad attitude. Im not going to deny it, I was just not feelin it.

so back to where we were...

i totally screwed up leading worship. on "Center" I never know when to start singing, and came in at totally the wrong time, I felt like crap. Justin pretty much had to walk Brandon through the whole song because he was so lost, thank goodness Justin is a smart guy. And then on "This is Our God" for some reason I sang the song completley different than it is supposed to be sung, and had to start completely over starting with, "Im so lost, I am way off". I know. I know. I am learning. but really... I am just not good at leading worship. I do not "shepard" my sheep. And I dont know what to say in between songs. Luckily next week they are bringing in a real band, now I will have a little break.


I have been going not stop for two weeks, I've had to do something everyday so far. And I really just need some time to rest and re-group myself, but that wont happen anytime soon, I am too strung out, and it is hard to unwind no matter where I am when I feel like this. School is a mess. I am pretty sure I'm failing more than one class, and I just can't seem to do my math work because I DONT KNOW HOW and I really dont give a crap about math [and science, not good there either].

I have had no desire to be home lately. Lauren creates a bad atmosphere, I do not like her. My mom is constantly asking me what's wrong and if im depressed and she is worried about me I think. I can't tell you what's wrong because I can't tell anyone, I'm depressed at the moment but I know it wont be for long so there's no point in telling you, you shouldnt be worried. I just want to sit quietly alone without people praying for me every second. im fine. thanks for listening to me complain without leaving a sympathetic comment. I really just wanted to vent :)

From now on you will see church plans every once in a while on here. I plan on taking notes/reseraching what kind of church I would like, perhaps for one that I might found in the future with someone.

Would our church make anyone cry? No. Would it make anyone fall to their knees and change their ways? No. Why? Because GOD does that, not a church. So I feel like it should be a churches job to help make God real to the body. To make sure nothing is getting in the way or detracting from meeting his presence. It is our job to expose the truth and only that.

Nikki- Nikki is my best friend. We have been friends for two years now. She is my mentor, my role model, and the person I go to with all my struggles. She is the one who led me to Christ, and helped my relationship grow with him. I learned how to follow Jesus by hanging out with Nikki, and I especially learned how to treat others by hanging out with her. She is a HUMUNGOUS inspiration to me in every aspect of my life. When I meet the man I want to marry I hope my relationship is just like Nikki and Jordans'.

Justin- My life would not be the same if Justin wasnt my YOUth pastor. He challenges me, and makes me think about stuff I do and say, and even think. Sometimes it gets frustrating, but most of the time, I appreciate it. He is teaching me a lot about how to be an example to my peers, and how to lead them in worship, but he is also teaching me a lot about myself, and about other people.

Molly- Oh what is there to say about my sister Molly? We are like twins. I am SO ETERNALLY greatful that I have someone to go through everyday with me, struggling, partying, getting excited, getting very not excited, pouting, and doing Jesus crack. Without her I would be so alone, I would have no one to be an emotional teenager with. But she isnt just an emotional teenager. She has drive and determination. She is doing HUGE things with her life and they will get even bigger. She is one of the smartest people I know, academically, musicaly, as well as common sense. I am so greatful for my twin!

Kristi- I havent even known Kristi that long, only a little over a year, but she has played a huge part in my life. She, also, is an example to me. When i think about a mature woman, a woman who doesnt waste, and hasnt wasted, her time on stupid things, a "Proverbs 31 woman" [haha] I think of Kristi. She is helping me get through high school using common sense, and thinking about choices that I make. She is always there for me and I think of her as a mother figure.

Brad- I guess I have known Brad for a long time, but I've never really KNOWN him until I got into 9th grade. Brad has helped me and counseled me through so many hard times in my life that I am so thankful for him. He is one of the most brilliant men I know and he does amazing things for the high school ministry. Brad brings culture into the church [so does Justin, by the way] and his spirituallity inspires me.

Matt- Honestly, I have only known Matt for a month. But he has become such a good friend. He is a bold Christian like me, and I love talking with him about his views on Christianity. His thoughts make me think a lot, and I make him do a lot of thinking too. I have yet to meet very many people who love Jesus, rock music, and having a lot of laughs all at once, but Matt is one of them, and I am excited for our friendship to grow.

Some of you may be thinking, 'but what about ____?' There are people in my life who I hang out with way more, or talk about a lot, but they are not the huge people in my life right now. I love all my friends so much.

I don't know how I am going to make it through this week. I have nothing to look forward to. I am SO ALONE. Don't say your here for me. SHOW IT.

today was miserable. i was miserable. i didnt get a lot of sleep, i HATE school. with a burning passion i hate it. i laid my head on my desk through every single one of my classes and did not do an ounce of work. my friends did not help the situation. i was fighting back tears all day because i am just so discouraged/miserable/pissed that i am not allowed to drop out of school. it was nice talking to alannah though, because she actually cared about what i had to say and was excited for me. i miss her. im going to bed. screw this day.

Im not really sure how i feel about the way things went tonight... you can't always tell the way people are responding just by the way they act. But when we were leading worship, no one was singing. Like a few people. But not really. And only Mr. Bennet was standing. It was kind of weird and uncomfortable. But then again it was a really quiet moment, and maybe they were just chilling. I wasnt confident in practice at all. And had a hard time leading the band. Im not sure why, but I could tell that Justin was getting frustrated, but I was just having a really off day. I want to do better, its hard.

not really. today actually wasnt that bad. I just hate school, and started crying when I went to math, because I am like a 9 year old and didnt want to be at school. im so lame sometimes. i told myself to suck it up and go back to class. i did. work was soooo long. i had to work for an extra hour just close everything up. but I get paid tomorrow :D so its all good. Matt is going with me to David Crowder, I'm excited to see him. I havent been doing any of my homework. I am "soo un movtivated" eh it happens. cant i be a little bit of a slacker? YOUth church is tomorrow, and im excited for us to lead for the second week. and Justins playing bass [BONUS!] maybe we can do the sweet Hallelujah intro if it works out. I am so tired... I need to go to bed. WOO! peace out

hasta manyana [I hate spanish]

my week:

today: worked
tomorrow: work
wednesday: ortho appt. and worship practice/YOUth church/ Project Runway!
thursday: skipping school, going to see david crowder
friday: work
saturday: my cousins wedding
sunday: church and Floodgate =D and Grey's Anatomy seasons premiere!

half of me enjoys weeks like this, and the other half goes "WHY ARENT YOU SITTING AT HOME?!!?" lol. But mostly I enjoy busy weeks. I can hardly walk, I dont know exactly how I'm going to make it at school tomorrow, I cant really walk to my room. MAKENNA IS WALKING NOW. Oh my goodness, she is so BIG! she's just walking around like she's one or something. she's so great =D Sam and me are going to homecoming together. that's pretty exciting.

I guess I am dissapointed. I thought bitter was the word, maybe mad, but mostly sad/dissapointed. that I am held back. I dont know what I am doing with my life, I dont know what Im going to do. I dont want to do anything self centered, or that focuses my energy on some stupid problem. I want to do something bigger than myself. I want to live like I have a bigger purpose, because I do. But I dont know what I want to do until then. I dont want to do anything! I want "then" to be like now. I feel like I am filling my time with things that dont matter, that wont matter, I feel like I should be doing something more important. But I am not motivated to do anything small [I know this is bad]. But the smallest things are important too. I wish the direction God is sending me was a little more clear, but I'm not complaining, I know it will be. And if its not I will go through the fog. How come the law is holding me back? the rules that they created to push me forward are slowing me down? this is dumb. this is dissapointing.

becoming an indifferent culture.

i hope we dont.

i think i am going to start going to insight high school. i really want to, and will sign up as soon as my parents say go. i wrote out a list of pros and cons today at work, and then when i told molly about it she was thinking about doing it too and it made us both really excited, so now I think I am for sure. there is just so many benefits, honestly. today i was telling my mom about it on the way to Urraco and she said something like, [after communicating that I "put her over the edge" with talking about this] "I have hopes for you. But you want to go live in a jungle somewhere so what do I care if you go to high school or college." I got out of the car. I can't believe people sometimes. its amazing. and then when my dad picks me up from work hes like, you can say anything to me, you have every right to be angry, but just make sure you're not taking it out on your mom. she's really stressed, and she feels like everyone's taking out their anger on her. UMM... JEEZ dad I wonder why shes stressed?! seriously, does he have the right to say ANYTHING to me at all? I just wanted to tell him to shutup because he JUST got home and he's telling me how to act? Yah... no.

do you think that having nothing to say hurts more than saying anything out of anger? would you rather hear me feel, or hear that I feel nothing at all.

I dont know if this is a blog I want everyone reading, but it happens. this has been one of the worst weeks in a long time, by far. i only went to a few days of school, cried a lot, and got my hopes up to go to the kane hodder show tomorrow [and see matt mostly] which I am now NOT going to. I am so pissed. i dont think im going to be able to accept the fact that i cant go peacfully. the only way i made it sanely through the week was looking forward to tomorrow, and now, pfft, crap. a crappy end to a crappy week. i think i want to homeschool, slap my spanish teacher, marry some cute boy, and not wake up tomorrow. that might possibly make this week better.

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tomorrow i lead worship at YOUth Church. whoa. i am dang excited for that to be starting back up again, why? oh just because it will ROCK. and because i am tired of just church. i am waiting for this week to be over. because there is a concert at rumble beach on saturday, which i hope to go to with levi, to visit matt. anyone care to join me? the final number for rock for sudan is $1977. that's pretty exciting. i think a lot of people [including myself] underestimated what the concert would turn out to be. and then when they ask how much we raised the look and the reaction is always the same. "WOW! That's awesome!" "Yah," I tell them. "Ya dang right it is." I am listening to ben mead right now and i have to say i really enjoy his cd, it is awesome. i have the best friends in the world. the best. all of them.

Rock For Sudan is finally over. DONE. I can't believe it. I seriously never thought it would ACTUALLY happen, lol. All the bands rocked, and rocked hard. They were ALL so good, and I was surprised. We made $1,824, I think, and that is the point. Today has been a long, stressful, emotional day. But everything went smoothly I guess. All the big stuff that is. All the bands showed up, all the volunteers, the coffee shots really sucked, so that didnt bring in a big profit, but oh well. We sold almost all of the t-shirts, and the turnout was awesome. Everyone keeps asking me what my goal was, what I was expecting, and the truth is... nothing. I kept picturing the empty room and no one being there, but it was good. And people did leave half way through, there were actually a lot of people there up until the last band. Matt showed up, and that made me happy. I was all stressed and stuff and then I walked in and saw him standing against the wall and I thought it was so cool that he came down. It was also cool seeing Joel again, he's a great guy. [Justin, if you leave annoying comment on this about Matt and Joel, shutup]

all in all...



... it was a good day

worship practice tonight went a lot better in some ways than I guess I thought it would. well compared to last year. i didnt really know that i was supposed to be leading the practice, I thought Justin was going to do that, but i was. if i would have known i would have done better, but i guess i did ok on the spot. the band is all really great, they're a bunch of beginers, i'll admit, but they are great. they listen, and they have a good idea of what they're doing. im kind of glad that they're not all these experienced musicians, because then it gets annoying and everyone tries to control the band, ugh. I was SO surprised at myself. I thought I would not sing good at all, and freeze up, like usual, or sing quiet, but I wasnt nervous at all. It was so weird!! I have never been able to do that before. Thank you John Ross!!

uhh... so appearently school starts tomorrow? WHAT?! oh well... i suppose it happens every year, lol. i am pretty excited, except for the fac that I have no clue where im going! Molly made me feel better though. we are going to meet early and she is going to help me find my classes, praise God.

Proverbs 17:17
a friend loves at all times.

who decided that to walk the fake walk was to be a Christian? how did we get such a twisted idea, after reading the gospel, about what being a Christian was? something happened in between Christ's ressurection and now, something weird. people think that if they homeschool their children, monitor what comes in and out of their house, pray before meals, dress in cover all shmocks that arent even real colors, they're just mixtures of netruel colors, that they are Christians, and they make it into heaven. if they walk the walk, and make sure that they [and their family's] DONT do certain things, that they are great Christians. and this is true in the chuches. most of the elders in my church are those people. but that is so not Christ. Christ wasnt conservative, Christ wasnt focused on NOT doing the bad things. his whole life he was stepping out, reaching out, helping, doing, loving to the extreme extent that his body was physically able to. because locking up your children, with felt sunday school boards, and monitored tv, never letting them go to public school, or hang out at a concert, does not reach anybody. this is not me bashing on homeschooling your kids, i was homeschooled for a few years, and it was the best years i ever had in school. but when you take it to a different level when you are sheltering yourself, and not reaching out all the things that you have learned, and all the things you have tought your kids, to the rest of the world, then why the heck did you invest all that time in them? So that they could keep it to themselves? Okayy... people are making such a big deal about this postmodernism movement in the church, and that is a good thing. but the people who are making a big deal about it because they dont want to let go of the way their lives are now, are wrong. this is the way the church is SUPPOSED to be. We are a body, not an american body, sitting on the couch. we are Christ's body, doing things, giving love, breaking the barriers of the social classes. we need to have a radical revolution. where we re-evaluate how we're running our churches. we re-examine the gospel, what we missed, what we pushed out of our sermons because it made us uncomfortable. we need to re-think the way we treat our neighbors. not our brothers, our neighbors. are friends who arent Christians. our gay, gothic, sexually active, partying neighbors, and love them. give them something real to associate with: relationship.

I worked for 8 and a half hours today. Laurie was feeling sick [for the second saturday in a row] and asked me to cover for her. i like working during the day though, because you actually get to interact with people and make a lot of coffee, unlike when you close, lol. but i also had to close anyways, so oh well. umm what else to say... graydon played tonight, and it was awesome! he is so great. but i feel sorry for him, he tore a muscle in his stomach and he is in a lot of pain, poor graydon. i love my friend brian weza and i am going to miss him very much when he moves. just thought i would throw that out there.

11 reasons why i love my job:

1. i love making coffee
2. i make lots of new friends
3. the people i work with are hilarious
4. there arent a lot of "strict" rules [ex: dresscode]
5. one free drink per shift
6. 7.75$ an hour
7. tips
8. awesome people like graydon, brian, and jeffrey that hang out there everyday
9. many oppurtunites to be nice to people
10. we have "music on the patio", how cool
11. counting back money keeps my math sharp, haha

today was a long interesting day. well... longer than usual. it started at 8:38 with eric from the forgotten dream calling and telling me that they needed to play at 2 pm. probably not the best start to a day, but not a big deal. my mom had to take her car to the shop at 10, and my dad was in Bellingham, so we didnt have a car all day. then i learned some more bad news about my dad, which put me in not the best mood. when my mom left to get her car, makenna was screaming, just hysterically, but i rocked her to sleep and fed her a bottle. she slept for TWO HOURS. I think that goes on the record for longest nap ever; good job Sara. Then I napped for an hour. that made a lot of things better. they have this saying in NA, "never get too tired, hungry, or lonely." [those all better your changes of relapsing] Well I was all of those, now I wasnt going to relapse, lol, but I was just very irritable. I had to have a good cry with God about some things. I woke up and my mom and me went to wal mart. i bought some makeup and school supplies. then i had to rush to work, i went in at 5. working went well, i like working with leah. then i got paid. 359$. ohhh yah. but then again i have worked almost everyday since i got hired, so it wont be nearly as much once i start my regular schedule [thursday]. school starts on wednesday, thats... 4 days away. then Rock For Sudan is on Saturday. whoa. this is crazy!! in the begining it just sort of seemed like this thing i was planning that would never actually happen, haha. but i know it will all go well. my dad finally came home. dont really know where thats gonna go for now, but God does, and thats the only thing I care about.

keep me hanging on;
so contagiously

You bought my life with the
Blood that You shed on the cross
When You died for the sins of men
And You let out a cry
Crucified now alive in me

These hands are Yours
Teach them to serve as You please
And I'll reach out desperate to see
All the greatness of God
May my soul rest assured in You

I'll never be the same
No I'll never be the same

Cause I know that You're alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I'll sing to glorify
Your Holy Name
Jesus Christ

You changed it all
You broke down the wall
When I spoke and confessed
In You I'm blessed
Now I walk in the light
In victorious sight of You

Your fire fall down
Fall down
On us we pray
As we seek

Show me Your heart
Show me Your way
Show me Your glory