Everything:infravermelho

A. Happiness is not...

1. feeling satisfied with yourself.
2. feeling cheerful.
3. feeling power over others.
4. feeling fulfuillment with things and relationships.
5. feeling sorry for the hurting.
6. feeling freedom to choose from many options.
7. feeling freedom from tension
8. feeling the acceptance of the culture.

B. Happiness is...

A solid structure that houses our feelings. A state of being that transcends emotional ups and downs.

C. The house built by being.

The be-attitudes of being. "Your attitude should be the same as taht of Christ Jesus." [Phillipians 2:5]

The attitudes that ought to be will grow us into spiritual maturity

D. Catching the elusive butterfly.

Happiness is not a matter of having but being. As we pursue an attitude of being rather than doing, as we forget the pursuit of happiness-happiness comes. Happiness does not come because we have attained something it comes because we have become something.

It really bugs me when people talk about drugs/drug addicts. Like doing drugs, ya know? When people (who basicly dont know what they're talking about) Talk or discuss about drug addicts, and they obviously dont know anything about addiction, it really just drives me nuts. Because they assume. Like, all drug addicts are just completely weird, creepy, gross, messed up, stupid, people. My dads a drug addict. My mom is a drug addict. My sister is a drug addict. And part of me wants to defend addicts, when people are blantly assuming about them. And be like, "Hey, do you really know anything about it? No. You dont. Knock it off." But then it's like.. why the hell am I sticking up for addicts, the hardest people on earth to deal with. I guess its right to stick up for them. They're not bad people, not AT ALL. They have a disease. A drug counselor one time just wouldnt accept that addiction was a disease (this confuses me, because I dont understand how he could be a drug counselor and just not know this) and was trying to find other means to explain addiction. He came to his group one day, and said, "I've got it, you're addicted to something, when you cant function normally without it." Well he thought that theory was going over pretty well, until one of his group members (drug addicts) walked across the circle and held two fingers to his temple. "If this was a 32 pistol, could you function normally?"
Exactly. He was shut down. Why? Because addiction IS a disease. People arent born bad, people are born innocent. You cant raise a non- addict. It's in them from the moment they are born. The disease is. Over and over this past year I have repeatedly thought to myself. 'My children, will not be drug addicts. I will raise them right, and strongly, and teach them not to do things that lead up to using drugs.' But do you really think that my mom and my dad, raised Lauren so that she would use drugs? Do I think my grandma (a drug counselor) and grandpa raised my dad to turn to drugs for his problems. No, they were just like every other parent who wanted the best for their baby. Divorce doesnt force kids to use drugs, depression isnt the reason for their addiction. I cant control what my dad's going to do. If I give him a hug tonight, tell him I love him and how much I need him, make him feel appreciated; is that what's keeping him sober? No. If it was, the moment I didnt do that, he would use. Thank God I cant control other people, only myself. Addiction is a strange and confusing thing, it sucks. Addicts are the hardest, most frustrating people you will ever have to deal with, let alone LIVE WITH. They're selfish, and they dont care, they only see themselves, their drug, and their past, never the future. They're the biggest liars, capable of anything. Unpredictable down to the second, and always fail you. They're addicts. And you dont know a damn thing about them. No addict is the same as the next. No addicts situation is the same as the guy on the street. But they all have something in common, they're judged.

How do we have faith in what we dont know anything about? Have never came in contact with? Have never directly seen or spoken with? Other people.

Like, Peter, or Matthew, or David. They said God is alive and well.

So basicly our faith is really someone elses. Because if I ask you how you can believe in God, and after I finally contradict all the: "Well he blah blah blahed for so-and-so."'s you'll finally get to, well read the bible. And who wrote the bible, other people.

Other people wrote the bible based on their faith, and what they saw or learned about Jesus. And that is what we base our faith, and hopefully our life on. You get it?

A week ago I couldnt believe in God a bit. I couldnt trust him. I doubted he existed. But then Brian said something to me...

"God is alive and well Sara."

Thats all. Even though my mom said that to me like 983475 times the night before, I finally understood it when he said it. to me when he said that he really said...

"God's there Sara, I know it, he has proven alive to me, I know it, I know it."

And it was just like.. well if Brian knows it.. Brian knows.

I dont know, it's all pretty confusing, but not in my brain. All im saying is that for now, or for whenever you are finding it hard to have faith. Use someone elses, just for now. So you dont drown. Because most of us do that our whole lives.

So I'm pretty much fed up with all the stupid pain crap. Ugh how I hate physical pain (well duh!) Like, my feet, it's just getting really old. Now, when I think about doing things, example: shopping, dancing, going to school, going for a walk, working out, trying out for the spring musical, standing... etc.. I just think, "ow", or "Well I cant do that anyways... I cant stand."
I'm going to the doctor on Thursday, I dont really know what that's going to do.

Doctor: "Well Sara, you have two options. 1.) You get surgery, and that helps for a while, but screws you over when you're older. Or 2.) You can not have surgery, and just sit on the couch the rest of your life.. "

welll shit.

And now I have this stupid ear problem, I'm like def and I feel like a clamp is shutting down on my head trying to make it explode. blah blah blah, im sick of it all. But then again, once the ear thing goes away something else will happen, like a rash, or a broken toe, or something random and painful that cant be fixed like that. It just will.

well goodnight. i really am trying not to be bitter and angry, its just hard, pain after pain, it has to stop sometime, or maybe i'll just die in pain. ha.

last week was definetly not that good, because I was in pain ALL DAY, EVERYDAY. Stupid feet. I get my pallet spreader off in 3 days. Halle-freakin-luia. lol. I think its been on there a little too long because my teeth are really starting to hurt where its connected. Another good thing is that Im learning how to play the guitar. Actually my sister just brought home my guitar from Yenney's music because I took it there and got it re-stringed and such. I must go play now!
Love you all (Molly) hahaha
Sara

God... I dont really know what you're doing with my life. Ok, I dont know at all. But I'm going to trust you with it, because you told me it will all work out. And because I have friends who say you have done it in their lives. I may doubt you sometimes, and I'm sorry, but I'm going to try really hard to just lean on you, and trust you, and know that you are there, no matter all the pain, you will fix it.

If i just cant fight anymore.. tell me its ok.. tell me you'll fight for me
If i just cant think anymore.. or say anymore.. say its ok.. say you will for me


So I was watching Oprahs Hurricane Katrina relief effort whatever thing today in class. And as different people went down to New Orleans, and saw all the devistation, people killing people, people raping children, and babies, they kept saying, "This is America, I cant believe this happened in America." And the whole time I was thinking.. "I can." This IS America, we may be one of the richest, but we are the laziest, rudest, most arrogant, slackers on earth. We discriminate people, we have to bring people down to feel better about ourselves. We beat each other up, and the #1 thing in our lives is ourself. Getting whatever we can for US, doing whatever we can for US, being OUR personal best. So how could this happen in New Orleans? No one really cares, they're mostly black, who cares. (what!?!?) exactly. Most of the people down there are black, obese, poor, and we dont care about them. We try to impress the rich white people, we TRY to be the rich white people. We have more to worry about, our grades, our looks, how much we get done in a day, we just dont have time I guess... WE ARE LAZY, RUDE, OBNOXIOUS, FAT, AMERICANS. This is NOT the greatest country on earth. And im not shocked AT ALL at how this could happen in America, I think its dang near LIKELY that it happen in America. Like I just said.. we dont have respect for each other, we dont love, we dont care, we're So SELF CENTERED. This isnt a great countries, this country has so many issues i cant even list them all. Rich doesnt mean great. It means arrogant. You cant replace love and discipline with money, you'll end up like the stupid ol' U.S. (United States)..right...

So.. pretty much today I learned that I am very much not over all the stuff that has happened. With Lauren and my dad mostly. I've learned that anyone is capable of any kind of lying. I've watched my mom lie to us, leave, and go sleep with another man. She would say "I'm going to take a nap, I'm really tired." And later when we would drive by "his" house, she would be there. MY MOM. My dad has told me more times than I can count, "I'm going to a meeting." Does he think that we dont know that AA meetings dont last for 3 days? "Gee dad how was the meeting, must have been good!" I've watched my sister for four years tell us she WASNT high. But really, she was SO high that she didnt even know what high and not high was anymore, it was just all numb. She's never had any kind of punishment for what she did to us. She had her baby, Makenna's as healthy as can be (dont get me wrong im SO glad), but she's never had to go to jail, she's never been arrested, never caught using meth. She's never even said she's sorry. That would be some apology.. "Hey, umm.. I'm sorry for ruining your life." But no, I dont even think she realizes what she did, let alone feels bad about it. She got off free and clear. I can't control anything anyone does. But I HATE it because I'm affected by all of it. I didnt do any of this, but im just put through hell (and its nothing less than hell). And I have no voice in this family. I get mad because my mom lets everybody just freeload off her. "Can I have some money mom? Even though i'm 20, i live with you, my boyfriends 26 and doesnt want to give a job, and I dropped out of high school because im lazy? Please, I'll pay you back. (even though I have no way of getting money). And then because I tell my mom NOT to do that, everyone calls me obsessive and anal. Oh im sorry MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET A FUCKING JOB.
im done. im not over this, i just realized how many times I've been stabbed in the heart, and I just kind of that I could move on when things got better. But I cant, I'm wounded.

...likes it when you call her pretty
...smiles when she has her diaper off
...doesnt like laying down on you
...is ready to walk, but not roll over yet
...likes Trading Spaces
...listens when you sing to her
...falls asleep on your shoulder
...doesn't have any clue of anyone else's pain
...cries a certain way for attention
...cries a different way when she's in pain, or when she misses her mama
...needs a hug when she gets scared
...smiles at the wreath on the wall (it's like her BEST friend)
...hates taking naps in her crib
...squirms around when she's hungry
...laughs when you make funny noises or make yourself look stupid
...wont look at whats in front of her, but on the walls
...is very flexible
...stops crying when you pat her back and sit her up
...gets lonely quick
...likes to pull on hair, neckleces, and shirts
...sucks her thumb in the bath
...loves like she has no reason not to