Everything:infravermelho

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

I really had no idea where God was going with Matt/Josh thing... honestly. And I was torn apart by it, because I didnt want it to be happening. But yesterday I started realizing things. I realized that I could hang out with Josh all day and then come home at the end and It's still MATT who is really my best friend. If I were to ever have "a relationship" with Josh I doubt I would ever call him crying like I do with Matt, I would be afraid to be 100% real with him, just like I use to be with Matt. Thinking about flaws that could come up in a potential relationship is making me appreciate all the wonderful things I have with Matt, and makes me understand a lot more what the heck God is doing. So far this is what I know: it's something. That's a lot more than I knew a couple of days ago.

Oh my goodness I need to breath. This week has been insane. I was taken out of perfect paradise and awesome fun and thrown into a whirlwind! The morning I got back from SNOW I had to open... I have worked so much this week, super long grueling day shifts. And I also have had a problem eating. I think I didnt eat enough on the way home/when I got home from Malibu so my stomach is like "Mah! Im rejecting food!" No literally, this morning when I get to work I was starving, so I ate some chow mein. Then I was like oh crap I feel like Im going to throw up. So in the middle of a HUGE rush I had to go to the bathroom and throw it all up, it was nasty. I felt a little better afterwards, but still hungry and super light headed and weak. But of course I am still at work because people are selfish and dont want to give up their Sundays, thanks. But my mom brought me down a sandwhich, I ate a little bit of it, but I am kind of scared to eat much food. My stomach still hurts, but I think I will make it without throwing up. I dont know, it's just so weird. Being hungry all the time but then when youe eat you feel worse. bleh.

While all this has been going on things with Matt have not been going smoothly. He felt like I was trying to cut him completley out of my life, which Im not, he seriously is one of my best friends whether we're "dating" or not. So he got really mad at me, and hurt, and tried to hurt me back by saying mean things. It was just bad. So I made him call me and he told me how he was feeling and I assured him that I still totally cared about him. So we were good for like... a day. But then yesterday he felt like I was not able to make the right decision... I didnt really understand because I thought I already did. It was all just sort of a big mis-understanding. Basically I want to listen to God and have us be apart, but he needs to know that I still care about him. So that is sort of the agreement that we came to.

Really I havent been able to even process any of this because I've been at work almost everyday since I've been back, and the lack of food as made my brain not think very good. Im just plain worn out. And Im not looking forward to Wednesday, I love Brad, and I don't want him to leave.

*sigh* I feel better

Matt and I are doing a good job at being broken up. It's hard to break up with someone with nothing bad happened, or there are no ill feelings, because then it kind of creates ill feelings. I told Matt that God was telling me we needed to be apart, and he says he totally understands. He says he isnt hurt, he feels ok, he was just a little caught off gaurd. I'm glad he's not hurt, because that was the main reason I was hurting, was because I didnt want to break his heart. Im glad Im not. But then there is the whole deal of... how do you break up with someone that you are fine with? Doesnt it create a little bit of anger? It's hard to remove someone from your life who you are ok with being there. It's hard to cause yourself pain, when the other person hasnt. are you following?

we are doing a good job. and im glad he's helping. I felt so bad for being the one to do the seperating that I told him I wanted him to make all the decisions, haha. [like what our friendship would look like from here] we havent talked about that stuff yet. we havent really talked much at all. which I think is good. It's not that I dont like talking to him, but it does really smack us in the face with the reality that we are APART.

Snow was black and white... completley. Half amazing, half terrible. The amazing was getting away to Malibu, and escaping the world. I seriously did not think about my life back home at all. Malibu is the most beautiful place in the world, and I get so inspired when Im there. Snow retreat is always the best part of the year, I always look forward to it. I love being away with my best friends and having every second of our lives revolve around Jesus for a few days. I love being there with Westwood too, it's always fun hanging out with new people. The worship was great, everyone was undignified, the speaker was great, I really understood him. The food was great!!

But on the bitter side Snow brought on a lot of pain. When Brad announced he was leaving I was instantly just so sad. I was trying not to think about how mad I was, I'm still trying to not to think about it, not until the sadness part clears up. It was horrible thinking about how he wouldnt be there next year, and how someone so important in my life isnt going to be there anymore... it really breaks my heart. The other down side... well I wouldnt necisarily say it was a "down side" was that I decided that Matt and I need to really break up. We had said in December that we were going to "slow down", whatever that means, but God really just spoke so clearly to me saying that we needed to end even the relationship we had left after that. I told him last night on the phone when the bus was broken down in Seattle. I was really upset, mostly because I care about his heart a lot and I dont want to hurt it. After I got off the phone with him I couldnt stop crying, I just really didnt want him to be upset, so I called him back, and he assured me he was fine, he trusts me. So I guess that is the end of that... It's weird and it's hard, but God really helped me out a lot this weekend with preparing for it.

One of my favorite things about this weekend was all of my friends that I am SO MUCH closer to now. I'm really happy that I got to build relationships with Brandon, Wes, Marissa, Dylan, Lynette, Chelsey, and Josh all so much stronger. I really think THAT is what makes a YOUth Church great.

As for Brad leaving... I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I don't have any desire to be a part of my church anymore... mostly because it clearly doesnt care about where I fit into it. The only thing that might keep me coming to youth church is that I feel bad for Justin, and I dont want to completley abandon him, I'd rather help it out, even though I'm so mad and I would rather quit just to make a statment... not to him... to the elders. But who knows if it would. I've also been thinking about maybe going over to the Westwood youth group sometime... who knows if I will.

So snow was bittersweet. All in all I enjoyed it... and it has really started a new chapter in my life, because of all the changes.

I love Molly!!

It's Valentines Day and I am sick. I am going to eat soup... hopefully find some choclate somewhere in the house... watch a movie, drink tea, take nyquill, and pass out until 3 am saturday morning.

I think Valentines Day is the greatest holiday ever by the way. how could people hate a day dedicated to love?! if anything Halloween is the stupidest holiday... does anyone even know what it's about?

I have been really frustrated with my lack of taking responsibility for my life lately. And I get really down when I dont accomplish the things I want to. I really need to handle things better in order to feel better, even though it's kind of hard sometimes.

I feel kind of on my own sometimes. Like my parents try to be involved in or control the areas of my life where I dont need them to, and they leave me alone on some of the places I do need some guidance, I guess. They try and control things like... when I go to bed, how much tv I watch, and if Im logging into my classes everyday. When I really dont need that. I like to get enough sleep, I like to do my school work, I dont like to veg around all day... I am fairly responsible in that area of my life. I would like their help on other things... things that I dont know yet but need to learn. And Im not sure exactly what those things are even... I guess I would just like to see them take more interest in things I like and not try to control my habits. Does that make any sense? Like, I cant recall a time when my mom has asked me "so what's your favorite class you're taking this semester? what do you like about it?" I would love to talk about why I love history so much... and how I am thinking about minoring it in college. but instead she asks me things like "are you getting your schoolwork done? how much time did you spend on it?" questions that she doesnt need to ask me, because I am a goal driven person. I dont know... this stuff is probably all dumb. it just seems to me like my parents dont really care about what I am doing they just care about HOW I am doing... like it matters.

I still don't have any answers. Will I ever? I've run clean out of solutions. Probably because none of them are real solutions... we tried them... failed. It's hard not making a plan. It's hard just not coming up with anything to help. It's hard sitting and waiting for an answer. I keep a blank mind.

I look for answers.
I stare at the objects in my room
silence.
I look out the window, they must be there.
nothing.
everything stares at me not saying a word
they just have a look
"we can't help you."
I walk down the hall.
these things dont hold my answers
they stare at me with sympathy
the walls are just walls
they dont talk.
I try and make answers
create solutions
but they're not right.
I am unsure.
I dont know what to think
so I dont think anything
I dont know what to feel
so I dont feel anything
I dont know what to do
I am in mid-air.

[but in now way contradictory to my previous blog]

I am SO fed up with people. Mostly I am sick of Lauren. What kind of WHORE thinks she can just go out for two weeks and use drugs, or leave for a few days to party and hang out with friends like she doesnt even have a daughter to take care of?! Honestly? I can't even believe her. And I cant believe my mom for just letting her stay here, like she can just do whatever the hell she wants and she'll NEVER get a consequence. Oh yah sure, I get it, it's really hard to kick your daughter out. WELL GET OVER IT. It's been FOUR YEARS, it's time for her to learn her lesson. She's had ENOUGH chances, and each time she's just welcome back in to the house. BULL SHIT. I'm sick of my dad complaining about my sister every second of the day. Lecturing everyone like WE'RE Lauren or something. WE UNDERSTAND! YOU DONT NEED TO TELL US! All he does is bitch and complain and throw a huge pity party. Why the hell dont you do something about it and kick her out? I'm sick of people complaining to me about their crappy lives looking for sympathy. It's pathetic really. If you want to talk, I'll talk. If you want me to pray for you, just ask me. Dont come up to me and try and tell all these stories about how you were "freaking out" and try to get attention. Just talk to me, dont be retarted. I'm tired of being the only kid who does anything in my house. Yah, I stay at home all day, to do my SCHOOL WORK. Lauren sleeps all day and Levi watches tv. No one will clean up the HUGE mess for my mom and dad who work all day. All Levi says is "It's not my mess." YAH well it's not mine either ok!? But our parents have it hard enough, the least we could do is clean. I do as much as I can, but like I said, it's not like Im home relaxing all day, I actually DO school work. I'm sick of people flipping out over every little thing and getting all offended. Honestly, life has so many more HUGE things to get all upset because I told you that it hurts when you flicked my earing. I'm sick of Jeffrey whining to me about his "boy troubles". "OH I just love him so much... I want to be with him so bad.. waa waa waa he doesnt like me." Im sick of Justin interrogating me everytime we talk. Can't we ever just relax and not act like Im screwing my life over? BECAUSE YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE. Dont assume things, and dont put words in my mouth. NOT LIKE IT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Life is good. [ETERNAL LIFE IS BETTER!!!!] haha oh man I miss Stellar Kart, and Austin Clark. :( he was a good friend! haha. SO I am enjoying the stay at home life so far. I started Drivers- Ed on Monday, and besides the freakishly annoying 4 year old [he's not really 4...] who sat next to me yesterday, it seems like it will go fine. It's not THAT hard, but then again I havent gone on a drive yet... School is going good too. My favorite class is BY FAR honors world history. I do that class when I'm bored, I love learning about that stuff. I'm also taking spanish, and all the people in my class are freakishly amazing!! Im so behind compared to them. I know this because we had a discussion, kind of like a chat room type thing where everyone goes on and posts something, and then other people reply to it. I didnt understand anything this girl said to me, I had to take the whole thing to an online translator! haha. My teacher last semester at the high school wasnt that good, to say the least.

I gauged my ears to a size two. I dont know if that's news. Matt and I are doing a study of the book of Acts, chapter by chapter. It's really interesting, I have read Acts before, but I dont really know anything about the bible. It's cool because he went to bible college and knows a lot of stuff that I dont. It's cool learning about the history [if you like history!!]

The elders re-wrote the church vision statment and implications and gave them to the vision team to look at. I was very excited because one of them was: "FBC is commited to "Building Godly Generations" through biblically based, relevant Childrens and YOUth programs." I leaned over to my pastor and pointed at it, and was like, "YAH!!" he laughed. I like him.

that's all for now I guess...

If I seem a little irritated or crabby lately this is why:

Have you ever had a sprained ankle? Have you ever had two at the same time? Have you ever had it hurt so bad, that the pain goes all the way up your calves, straining your tendons and muscles all around? Has it ever been so bad that your feet get red and swollen whenever you shower or in a hot room? Have you ever had multiple doctors tell you that they can't be fixed? These are what my feet are like. And ever since I started working I have been trying So hard not to talk about them, because I am blessed to have a job. But my feet hurt 24/7. They are always ache and have sharp pains running through them and up my leg all the time, even when I am sitting down, like now. They burn up and get swollen and irritated all the time, and in general it kind of puts me on a constant edge. To be honest with you I dont know what I would be like, or how I would feel if I didnt have this pain in me all the time, because it has been there for as long as I have been having orignial thoughts that I can remember. A lot of things I want to do in my life I can only watch, and I have to make the decision to turn oppurtunities that I really want away, for the sake of my sanity.

So I'm sorry if I seem moderatley impatient, irritable, or unhappy, im not. Just think about what I'm feeling standing there at that moment.

today is a peaceful day. the weather feels perfect, beside the dampness. and the air smells good. contrary to common belief, I do miss going to church. especially now that a few kids from my school have started going, and going to YOUth church. im bummed I cant be there beside them. I start drivers ed tomorrow. I havent been driving much... I should probably do that sometime.

this weekend was fun. a lot of dancing to techno and driving around to a lot of places. it felt good to hang out with new people and just have a good time. although I am really tired and sore. I need to go to the Dr. because everytime it's cold or hot [or even room temperature...] my hands and feet get really swollen and red and itchy and... irritated. it's super weird and annoying.

in other news...