Everything:infravermelho

I feel like yesterday I was thrown around a bit. Upset about Makenna, frustrated about my job. But I really want today to be better. It's beautiful outside and I honestly havent sat outside and relaxed for a REALLY long time.

My parents are going to the fair and they left me a car. If anyone wants to hang out just call! haha

[the corner says "10 months"!]

For those of you who didnt know Lauren has been in a detox center for the last 10 days. If any of you remember when my dad went to detox [twice] it's the same place.

Whoever knows Lauren knows that she needs to be in treatment long term, and I guess God answered our prayers. But in a very bitter-sweet way. This is where it gets hard.

Lauren was accepted immediatley into this mother/child treatment center in Tacoma that is SIX MONTHS LONG. This means that Makenna and Lauren will be living there and getting ready to start a life together I guess. I dont really know what all it entails.

I feel like Im overreacting or just being selfish when I say this but I just can't let go of Makenna. I feel like a peice of my heart is being ripped out. She brings me so much joy and happiness everyday that I cant imagine what things are going to be like around here without her. Whenever I leave it's always Makenna that I look forward to coming home to. At night I can hear her making her lion sing to her over and over again, even if she's been in her crib for an hour. I can't wait for her to wake up from her naps and come rock with me in the chair and lay her head on my shoulder. No matter how tired you think she is she'll always greet you with an enthusiastic "HI!"

Im just really going to miss her.

I've really been a wreck.

My job gives me no hours. wait... that's a lie. it gives me an hour of THREE PER WEEK. Im not even exaggerating, THREE!!!!!

therefor I have no money.

therefor I cannot buy a car.

therefor I cannot find a better job.

Matt and I went to Olympia today to drop off resumes/pick up applications for different coffee places. and in about half an hour I am going to Coffee Creek Espresso to talk to the manager.

im definitley overreacting.

Last night I had a brief yet very encouraging conversation with a friend I have known for a few years and someone who has always spoken truth and wisdom to me. This conversation sparked a lot of memories and made me realize things about my spiritual life. Or maybe... "lack of" things.

I explained this all to Matt in the car on the way home last night...

I would say that last year, the day of Rock for Sudan was my personal high point. Spiritually I was in sync with God. I attended church and YOUth Church regularly and was starting my turn to lead worship there. I had a really close group of believers who I relied on daily, a girls bible study who I spent a lot of time with, and I was daily seeking God's direction for my life. I felt amazing. I can't really describe it other than just feeling amazing.

The months to follow would lead me to, not my lowest, but lower points. As soon as I started dating Matt I was quickly back handed with disapproval from those "close believers" who I had relied on daily, and I was soon on the defense. I had frequent conversations with my two YOUth Pastors about our relationship and got negative comments from my friends. I felt "pushed out" of that group I had just a month earlier and the church I was attending. Soon I didnt want to see my YOUth Pastors anymore, nor did I want to spend time with my friends who couldnt accept my choices. Eventually I wasnt allowed to lead worship anymore and I wasnt going to church [although that had to do with my job.] I was completley seperated from the foundation of my fellowship and I was bitter. I was VERY bitter.

Not all of this had to do with my relationship with Matt, however. Early this year my YOUth Pastor and good friend for many years announced he had lost his job as our minister. This decision by the elders was a controversial one for some, but for me I had just had it with FBC.

Slowly all of the amazing feelings I had last September started to fade and I was out of touch with God. I realize that I shouldnt have built my foundation on others because I soon started to disconnect from those "others".

I am not blaming my YOUth Pastors or my friends for my spiritual dryness, I was the one who could not stand on my own when I felt pushed away from them.

My friend said some things that stood out very strongly to me last night. He said that lack of fellowship makes you very sensitive to sin, and when you dont have accountability or honest conversation with other believers your fire goes out.

I need to start looking for another church. It wont be FBC, because I just cant. It's not because of the worship, it's not because of the pastors or the elders, it's just the placed that I have been pushed out of emotionally and I can't go back.

I hope that I can really find a place where I can build new relationships to hold me accountable in my walk with God.

Jody and Levi are visiting us this weekend, I really miss having them around. They are going to be getting married [probably in September!] I can't wait to have a realy official sister-in-law! We have had baby Jacob for the past few days, he is getting so cute!



Does anyone else feel like it's October? It's starting to depress me.

today I finally went into Urraco. I was meeting up with Molly and Lauree. I decided that it would be more benefical for me to NOT burn that bridge or keep grudges with people who work there. Luckily it was two of my good friends Becky and Kristen that were working, which made things a little less intimidating.

Matt has me thinking a lot about my relationships with other people and building relationships with new people. He has an extremley light hearted and kind out look on most things and he has really been helping ME apply it in my life. So instead of say, holding grudges, not making an effort to meet any new people, or treating people less than the best, I'm really thinking about coming out of my comfort zone and crossing the line whenever I can.

this is difficult for me.

the show last night was SO awesome!

Matt has this whole thing about creating a "community" of music lovers, you know, to hang out at shows together. yesterday when we got to the showbox we waited in line with a bunch of people we know, it was really fun. maybe Matt's philosophy will work out after all...

I didnt do very much standing or dancing on account of my feet, but luckily one of the bars was closed and we could sit up there, it was a great view.

check out my myspace for pictures.

YEP. what a shocker.

since being bored I have:

1. cleaned my INSANLEY messy room. [im serious, you should have seen this thing! definitley the most messy it has ever been in my ENTIRE life.] I have been coming and going a lot, to Canada, to Renton, to Everett, to Lauree's house, so therefor this mess has escaladed each time I come home and throw everything on the floor.

2. did some much needed laundry

3. called Matt several times

4. flossed my teeth thouroughly

5. scrubbed and polished my window sill [it was disgusting]

6. read a magazine I already read

7. tried to shop online with no money

8. laid on my bed

9. ate some steak that was too rare

9. checked my myspace that I already checked

10. hung out with Storm for a few hours

I hate it when you have nothing to do [although I was glad for SOME of the free time, since I REALLY need to clean my room!] but you have fun things you are looking forward to later in the week. like...

1. tomorrow's play practice

2. thursday I am going to a tysen/truce/moneta/dating delilah/the real you show at the showbox

3. thursday I also plan on re-taking my drivers test [see previous post]

4. friday I have my orthodontist appt. where I will be finding out when I get my braces off

5. saturday I have to work

you see? anxious! anxious! anxious!

I really don't know when I am going to be getting a car. I think my boss has decided to hire too many people at once so I am only working TWO more days this month, which is an unpleasent shock to me. She says that I will get more hours after two girls go away to college next month, but honestly, I wasnt planning on working here through September. I guess we'll just see and I'll just wait until the right time comes along for me to get a car. If anyone has a car to sell... you should sell it to me. haha.

I'm going to make another attempt at my drive test on Thursday, I really hope this one goes well. I get so nervous when I have to drive with that lady.

my life is boring.

I failed my drive test.



for not getting into the left-hand turn lane before turning left.



no you are not reading molly's blog - I did the exact same thing this morning. at the EXACT SAME turn, in fact.



I cried a little in the car after the lady left- I am lame.


I also got a haircut, it looks cool.

I was just looking through all of my pictures on my computer and some of them are really making me sad, kind of like I want to cry. like something was there, and now it's not. why are these breaking my heart?













I feel like people are being pryed out of my life. Or maybe just that we are sprinting through everything so fast that one second you're somewhere and then *blink* and you're somewhere else.




I dont really understand.

yes, I AM stubborn.

yes, I AM very defiant.

yes, I AM negative towards a lot of coorperate ideas [ESPECIALLY church ones] [at times]

which is why I really dont feel like doing the "30 day challenge that Brio magazine has propmted my bible study to take part of.

im sure that a lot of people [including the girls in my bible study?] have benefited from this challenge but *refer to top of page*

so that is why I have come up with my own "___ Day Challenge" [because I dont know how long it will last] to challenge myself that will change things that apply to me.

so here are some things I am doing daily...

1. nix on the caffeine. A LOT. like maybe an iced tea every once in a while
2. consume a lot more vitamin c
3. go to bed earlier
4. eat more fruits, vegetables, and just fiber
5. drink a lot of water
6. stay safe in the sun by wearing spf 30 whenever I go out [I will post more on this later]
7. going out of my way to interact with people by chatting with everyday aqquintances


this is all for now. is it weird that I dont have any "spiritual" ones on here. like "memorize the book of James"?

I know this will definitley be one of the most memorable experiences of my life - my first [and maybe ONLY] tattoo!

Matt and I went to get tattoo's because we both really wanted one and because he knew a friend in Victoria that was excellent at them. when I heard he was a young guy I got a little nervous, but once we walked into him and his wife's house I was a lot more comfortable. they were indie rockers. photographs, sewing machines, recording equipment, vinyl records, and Kyle's sketchbooks everywhere! definitley the coolest house I've ever been in.

Kyle had a picture of Africa on his macbook and printed it out as we talked about size and placement. that's when I really started to get nervous. he went to trace it onto a transfer that he would then place onto my back. matt and I sat on the floor drinking cokes and looking through Kyle's sketchbooks. He is SUCH an incredible artist. I was very nervous about the pain to come.

after he transfered the design onto my back and we decided it was good, he started to get his guns and such ready and I ran to change into one of his wife's shirts [she was the sweetest woman in the world, and only about 23 or so]. I laid down on the massage table to begin the process. Brooke [his wife] reassured me that while it would hurt it wouldnt be unbearable and I could handle it. she has more tattoo's than he does. Matt was sitting next to me holding my hand and we started.

it wasnt as bad as I expected. It did hurt - some parts more than others, but I was able to get through it all without squirming, crying, or yelling out to stop. He did two outlines first and a star over Sudan. we took a break and then he went back to fill in between the two outlines and the star. the whole process was not very long.

Matt's experience was not as emotional. they spent some time sketching it out [*cough* using my idea! :] and then jumped on the table. everytime I asked matt how he felt or how he was doing he just said things like "this is nothing", he loved it. he is craving another one. none the less I stood over him and held his hand the whole time. he bled a bit because it had some shadin unlike mine.

we finally left Kyle's house after 12:30 midnight, the whole process taking about 5 hours.

I'll never forget it!

hey Matt got one too!!