Everything:infravermelho

...feeling a little upset. For some reason whenever I feel like this I always want to start over.. I dont know why. Just delete everything. Maybe its because I feel like its not good enough, and maybe thats why I am upset. Or maybe if I just didnt care that would get me less hurt. But I know nothing will make this feeling go away, at least not for a while. It's legitamet hurting. And I cant complain because I walked into it, and I walked into it knowing that it would hurt, but I kept walking. I guess I just didnt care. I wish that my common sense would SOMETIME kick into my emotions. I know that emotions are hard to control, but someone told me once that love is a commitment, not just an emotion. And I know we're both feeling it. We both opened up to each other, became vulnerable to each other, told each other what we were feeling. And we both knew where it was going. I know Luke's hurting too right now, but that doesnt make my heart feel any less broken. I think we walk around blind 90% of our lives. And I think 80% of that time we choose to blindefold ourselves, so its not really blindness, its just closing our eyes. But I've always known that closing my eyes wouldnt make anything go away. Praise the God who gives, and takes away.

We finally got a date and location nailed down for Rock For Sudan. I am SO relieved! Westwood said they could not let us use their facilities unless the fundraiser was an organization they supported and we "did not fall under that category." It is going to be at c3 [417 Railroad Ave.] on September 9th [that's a Saturday.] Now that that is together I feel so much calmer. I feel a lot more organized, and have a clear vision of what I need to do. It feels SO great. Yay! Big thanks goes out to Justin especially on all of this :]

In other news... yah I dont really know. Pretty sweet that Washington upheld DOMA eh? Yah I think so. I can't wait to go to Molly's musical theatre show tonight! It's going to be amazing!! :]

I called the man from Westwood Baptist church and left him a message about the concert. He called me back... It was the scariest thing ever. He was not a very nice man, nor did he sound AT ALL interested in the idea of raising money for a missionary. he is going to call me back tomorrow. I hope he says yes, I hope this all works. God is control, it will work. God is way more important than Lynn Bartz.

In other news....


I dont really have much other news, I did NOTHING today.

I got to talk to Luke the other day on the phone, that was exciting... havent talked to him since :\ He's a great guy.

Shoot... my life is boring now! I've been working out more? Woo!

Ok im going to watch Project Runway, I love fashion!

I dont know if you'd rather have her
I wish you wouldnt
But I cant be sure

But she likes...
And you like...

and I dont know if that would mean
more to you
than me

Is there someone out
there
that's just your height

that one girl
who's hand
is like a puzzle piece
with yours

I just need you to
tell me

that im
that one girl

you are my sunshine;

my only sunshine;




you keep me happy;

when skies are grey;





you do not know dear;

how much I love you;





please dont take;

my sunshine away;

submit to love
throw your heart
off the cliff
dont wait for it to be caught

submit to love
or die in hindrances
submit to love
and die broken hearted
with a wise smile

kiss when every bone in your body
says no
when all your logic
and all your common sense
and all your plans
point left
run to the right

submit to love
knowing that this will change
everything
because love
empowers all.

I just want to go to Sudan, and do what God has called me to do. But I have to do this whole "school" thing which is long, and this "too young" thing which is annoying. But I told myself until I can do what I want to do, I will do what I can. I know God needs me to be here right now, at my high school, in my YOUth Church. And maybe a teenager is what he needs. I want to start changing my lifestyle, just living more "frugally" I guess. I want to be a servant, working in any way I can. I want to volunteer at the homeless shelter, spend next summer serving in an orphanage in Uganda maybe [thanks for the inspiration Caitlin]. I just want to take every every-day oppurtunity that I have to serve other people, because that builds SUCH a strong community, like us Veritas kids have. And I dont even want to think about serving, I just want to do it, and not be like, "I guess I should." I want to do it because I love doing it, and I love the "pay it forward because I want to out of kindness" reaction it creates. Its true. I saw this 94857 times at Veritas. We just has such a community. From the first day we all accepted each other, got to know each other. And everyone did things for each other just because we wanted to. And anytime someone would take my plate, I would be inspired to take everyone elses plates. This one night I remember I was washing my dishes [we washed our own while we were camping] and what you had to do was wash your dishes, rinse them, and then sanitize them, so there were 3 different tubs on both sides of the table. And I just wanted to wash everyone's dishes for some reason. So I started doing that, and all the people around me were like, "hey we can be a team, you wash, I'll rinse, and he'll sanitize." And within a minute everyone wanted to help, we had two teams going. And even when we were full everyone was kind of hesitant to let us do their dishes and came with responses like, "Are you sure? I can do my own, really." And then eventually, "Oh, well thank you so much, let me know if you need me to relieve you." It was great. I miss that so much. But one of my leaders was telling me how if you do that in your YOUth group, or your family, or at school, people will have a response. And you can take the community we shared in Veritas, and take it into our world.

Lunchtime!

I want to be
the missing piece
The one thing
that tears a hole
in your world
I want to be
irreplacable
The one who runs in circles
through your head
I want to be
the one thing
that makes you feel complete
When all else is alligned
but im not by your side
the puzzle is not finished
I want to be
the thing you cant live without

You think I would be smiling from ear to ear to know that a boy likes me. NO, that a boy is driven crazyby me. I am happy, it does make me smile. But it's soo hard. I cannot believe the only boy I want to be with lives in Kentucky. That's the most random place ever, why not here? I just want to talk to him so bad, but since I went dress shopping with my mom [STUPID STUPID SARA!] I missed him and he left to Chicago for the weekend. All I want to do is see him, it's really hard. And to know that all he wants to do is see me makes me even happier and sadder at the same time. Actually no, I dont think sadness is at all an emotion is this, I guess it just makes it harder. After I talked to him last night I couldnt stop thinking about him, I hardly slept, and when I got up [8:00am] I had to write him a message. I waited all day to talk to him, I could hardly handle it, now I am the one going crazy, and I missed him. He is in Chicago. He makes me happy. I make him happy.

Thank you God,
thank you so much for your grace,
for your love,
thank you so much for your love!!
I will praise you for eternity God!
Thank you for my life,
thank you for everyone in my life!
Thank you for being good and gracious God,

Thank you for your trials,
thank you for putting my heart back together,
thank you for keeping watch over me,

my glorious.

[I will post about Veritas later, there is too much for this laptop to handle]

Yesterday we woke up, and went to float the river, it was fun, and there were no drunks [yay for new state laws!] Then we came home and had amazing turkey sandwhiches and avacodoes [I wouldnt be saying that if they werent amazing!] what else did we do... We went shopping at the old mill district, but it was soo hot we were only there for about 45 minutes. So we rented tommy boy [best movie ever] and steel magnolias [i didnt watch it]

So far today my aunt and her friend went white watering on the big eddy, and my other aunt, my mom, and I got spa pedicures, they were amazing!! In a little bit we are going to see Pirates of the Carribean 2 so I am very excited. Tomorrow we are planning on floating SunRiver and then hitting up some more shopping. Today was better than yesterday because I got to talk to some friends from veritas, and they have all made changes in there lives [I can tell because of their myspace] as well as I have, and that makes me happy. we are still like one big family.

Love.

I am reading Praise Habit by David Crowder.

First I would like to state that I love David Crowder, along with ALL of his music. And this book has a good theme... but...

I cant understand ANYTHING the man says! I got so fed up with reading it last night I had to stop, nothing makes sense, its like hes talking in Chinese. *sigh*...

So some people are starting over. Some people need to. It seems something common for me to do. Clear everything out, start over... but I dont think I need to. I think I am finally coming into my life. By this I mean starting out to live God's plan for me. I know my whole life has been part of God's plan, but unfortunatley, my life before last year was going nowhere in terms of a relationship with Christ.

People always tell me that I will do huge things. But I still struggle with the small stuff, I can't get up on time, eat right, hold my tongue for a day, how am I supposed to contribute to something bigger than me? Im not. God will though. It scares me sometimes thinking that God has a big plan for me, but it excites me and encourages me at the same time. Last night and this morning he put a lot on my heart...

God gave me the gift of compassion. An unfortunate gift I believe at some times, but like every gift. Not that many people know this about me. But if there were one person in the entire world to carry the burden of everyone heart broken, to feel everyone's pain, to hold every tear inside of me that was cried by a widow, or an abandoned child, it is me. I feel it. I feel it all. And last night I just didnt want to feel it. I cried myself to sleep feeling the pain of a mother wataching her baby die, of a homeless man left alone in the cold. I felt it. And I just cried and told God that I didnt want God to feel it. But I knew I had to. He designed me to. And I know this gift serves a purpose, therefor he gave it to me.

So what am I doing? This morning God layed on my heart that I AM THE PROBLEM. [Blue Like Jazz readers you know what Im talking about] I get so mad at everyone sometimes because they buy expensive things, and there are people that die from malnutrion. That below huge, expensive apartment Studios in New York, there are people that sleep on the sidewalk. So I am going to live more frugally, and more simply. I am getting rid of my dresser [I dont really use it] and I want to get rid of my bed [I have two mattresses, and right now I have one of them on the floor and just sleep on that] because I like being low to the ground. But my mom wants me to keep the bed. I got rid of all the stuff I dont use/wear/need and plan on giving it to the homeless shelter. This is going to be a lifestyle. All day anything I bought, thought about buying, I just asked, 'do I really need this?' Most of it was no. I AM THE PROBLEM. If I cant change myself, why do I expect other people to change?

If I could go to Sudan tomorrow and work with Charity I would. But I can't. I am going after I graduate. Basically I know God has huge things for me to do; so I really need to listen to him. And I need to break free of religion. Church not really helping that right now... ehh.. more on that later.

"Holy is the Lord, God almighty
the earth is filled with his glory."

Today I had a car wash and a garage sale to raise money for rock for sudan and we raised $490!!!! Praise God!!!

One little problem... where the heck are we going to have this thing?!?!

Yah so I dont really know... but it will happen. And doing the fundraisers today insured it.

I would really like to have it at either the OBJH field or the HS field, that would be AWESOME. But that is sort of up to Derek since he will be dealing with power/sound, and I dont know if he would want to do that.

I just got a bunch of music to learn before I go to Veritas next week. I am really excited for that other than the fact that I CANT SING since I am still sort of sick. It sucks, I cant sing at all!!!

Today was a fantastic day, except for the fact that I cant walk anymore because my feet hurt, and Im tired! whew! Thank you to everyone who helped out today [Talitha, Austin, Nikki, Jordan, my parents]