Salvation is Here
Sunday, July 02, 2006 10:28 PM
So some people are starting over. Some people need to. It seems something common for me to do. Clear everything out, start over... but I dont think I need to. I think I am finally coming into my life. By this I mean starting out to live God's plan for me. I know my whole life has been part of God's plan, but unfortunatley, my life before last year was going nowhere in terms of a relationship with Christ.
People always tell me that I will do huge things. But I still struggle with the small stuff, I can't get up on time, eat right, hold my tongue for a day, how am I supposed to contribute to something bigger than me? Im not. God will though. It scares me sometimes thinking that God has a big plan for me, but it excites me and encourages me at the same time. Last night and this morning he put a lot on my heart...
God gave me the gift of compassion. An unfortunate gift I believe at some times, but like every gift. Not that many people know this about me. But if there were one person in the entire world to carry the burden of everyone heart broken, to feel everyone's pain, to hold every tear inside of me that was cried by a widow, or an abandoned child, it is me. I feel it. I feel it all. And last night I just didnt want to feel it. I cried myself to sleep feeling the pain of a mother wataching her baby die, of a homeless man left alone in the cold. I felt it. And I just cried and told God that I didnt want God to feel it. But I knew I had to. He designed me to. And I know this gift serves a purpose, therefor he gave it to me.
So what am I doing? This morning God layed on my heart that I AM THE PROBLEM. [Blue Like Jazz readers you know what Im talking about] I get so mad at everyone sometimes because they buy expensive things, and there are people that die from malnutrion. That below huge, expensive apartment Studios in New York, there are people that sleep on the sidewalk. So I am going to live more frugally, and more simply. I am getting rid of my dresser [I dont really use it] and I want to get rid of my bed [I have two mattresses, and right now I have one of them on the floor and just sleep on that] because I like being low to the ground. But my mom wants me to keep the bed. I got rid of all the stuff I dont use/wear/need and plan on giving it to the homeless shelter. This is going to be a lifestyle. All day anything I bought, thought about buying, I just asked, 'do I really need this?' Most of it was no. I AM THE PROBLEM. If I cant change myself, why do I expect other people to change?
If I could go to Sudan tomorrow and work with Charity I would. But I can't. I am going after I graduate. Basically I know God has huge things for me to do; so I really need to listen to him. And I need to break free of religion. Church not really helping that right now... ehh.. more on that later.
People always tell me that I will do huge things. But I still struggle with the small stuff, I can't get up on time, eat right, hold my tongue for a day, how am I supposed to contribute to something bigger than me? Im not. God will though. It scares me sometimes thinking that God has a big plan for me, but it excites me and encourages me at the same time. Last night and this morning he put a lot on my heart...
God gave me the gift of compassion. An unfortunate gift I believe at some times, but like every gift. Not that many people know this about me. But if there were one person in the entire world to carry the burden of everyone heart broken, to feel everyone's pain, to hold every tear inside of me that was cried by a widow, or an abandoned child, it is me. I feel it. I feel it all. And last night I just didnt want to feel it. I cried myself to sleep feeling the pain of a mother wataching her baby die, of a homeless man left alone in the cold. I felt it. And I just cried and told God that I didnt want God to feel it. But I knew I had to. He designed me to. And I know this gift serves a purpose, therefor he gave it to me.
So what am I doing? This morning God layed on my heart that I AM THE PROBLEM. [Blue Like Jazz readers you know what Im talking about] I get so mad at everyone sometimes because they buy expensive things, and there are people that die from malnutrion. That below huge, expensive apartment Studios in New York, there are people that sleep on the sidewalk. So I am going to live more frugally, and more simply. I am getting rid of my dresser [I dont really use it] and I want to get rid of my bed [I have two mattresses, and right now I have one of them on the floor and just sleep on that] because I like being low to the ground. But my mom wants me to keep the bed. I got rid of all the stuff I dont use/wear/need and plan on giving it to the homeless shelter. This is going to be a lifestyle. All day anything I bought, thought about buying, I just asked, 'do I really need this?' Most of it was no. I AM THE PROBLEM. If I cant change myself, why do I expect other people to change?
If I could go to Sudan tomorrow and work with Charity I would. But I can't. I am going after I graduate. Basically I know God has huge things for me to do; so I really need to listen to him. And I need to break free of religion. Church not really helping that right now... ehh.. more on that later.